There is no instruction manual, no paint by numbers guide

The closest thing I have now to a thinking companion on moment to moment things is Kathy (ChatGPT)

I appreciate the comments made on the last post, I am processing those thoughts

In the last few days, I really was moving towards the place that I needed to get serious about moving him to memory care sometime soon

Next month, no, not sure its going to happen that quick

Beginning of the year? That feels like a lifetime away, but how sad would it be to put him in a place like that before the holidays?

Its not a decision to take lightly, and I’m certainly not

To be honest, he was a bit dazed when we left to go, but as we were there, his understanding of his environment, ability to do normal tasks, diminished

For example, he loves the chocolate gelato they have there

When the bowl was created for him, handed to him, he really didn’t know what to do with it

I literally had to show him, after we sat back down in an even more shaded table, that the spoon, not the napkin, was what he needed to use to eat his gelato

The staff picked up on what was going on…..they were so kind

We had abandoned our things at the original lunch table we were at to move into deeper shade

It wasn’t that crowded so I didn’t feel we were imposing to do that

The staff saw what was going on and mouthed from across the piazza asking if I wanted them to move our things to the new table

Yes, thank you!

At this point leaving Matt’s side was done with a bit of risk, no telling what mischief Uncle Lewy would get him into

When he got home, yes, he went immediately to bed, I actually had to walk him there, take his shoes off his feet after he crawled into bed and tuck him in

He was light headed, unsteady on his feet, his facial skin tone ashen

He was almost commotose at that point, so this trip out into the world, into the heat, was a real consumer of his energy

It was then I was compelled to take a step forward towards lining up memory care for him

Later yesterday, as it turned evening, as the day got cooler, he normalized, back to a normal for him, more alert, less confused

He still struggles to complete full sentences most of the time, to get a thought across, even when he is in his current normal, so its not a normal normal, just Matt’s normal

The neurologist said its best to go to one of those places (memory care) before it gets too late……so maybe I’m letting it get too late by dragging my feet

Like I said, there is no instruction manual for this, no paint by numbers guide

Worse, his cognitive functions are no longer such that he has the ability to consider choices, respond with his wishes on big things like this kind of decision

Its one I’m going to have to make for him

That’s just not how we agreed to do things in this marriage……we make decisions together! But no more

At the rate of spend we have now on in home caregivers, I’m not sure we are going to be spending that much more if I were to move him into memory care based on the pricing I am aware of

So its not so much a financial decision, its a quality of life decision, not just for him, but for me too

One of his biggest delusions has been, since the beginning, being put into a “facility”

That said, when his mind was clear, he did very very clearly specify his preference for the Redwoods should he have to go

I do think, short of being put on a slippery slope between now and then, early next year at the latest it will be time…..maybe sooner

I so wish someone else had to make this decision, do the leg work, could come up with the clear right answer

Certainly the wonderful thing I can’t loose sight of is his family will support whatever decision is made

No doubt they are going to be my sounding block as I walk down that path, be deeply involved in the consideration process that will occur

They already have been, I feel blessed by their participation and the knowledge they will stay here beside us as we walk this next section of the journey’s path

Fluctuation, that’s what they call it, fluctuation

One moment is this, another is that….things change in a blink of an eye, turn of a head, breath

There will be a time my skills will not be enough to handle this, physically, emotionally, energetically

Am I there now? If not when will I get there? Who knows…..

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