While its really hard for me to see, because I see him every day

I do think we have reached a new level of progression

This environmental dependency, this oyster crab brain take over, is pretty consistent during all waking hours now

So that means he really is having trouble relating to his environment on the regular

The bed is a safe place, the bed doesn’t ask him to take action or overwhelm him with many things in his environment for him to figure out

He lays down, in comfort, closes his eyes, the overwhelm fades for a time

He’s always been an active guy so its sort of sensical that he’d be that way now

Its just he doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore, so he is somewhat like a toddler, lots of energy and limited skills as to how to direct it

He said something today when I asked him what he was doing he said “I guess there is nothing for me to do here” (or something to that effect)

Because he has lost some of the capabilities that help us navigate our environment, its given me pause about traveling to other places, places he is not familiar

He did well in Virginia, but that’s now a solid 2 months ago, 2 months of time where things can digress, which I believe they have

We have a trip planned to go to Bend in a few weeks, then I am hoping to drive to see my brother and his family in Montana

He’s been to his sisters place in Bend…..but its been atleast a year if not more

Will he remember her place? They sleep on a different floor of the house then he’d be sleeping on

In the middle of the night if I go to Montana, will he be able to navigate to the bathroom and back, down the stairs in the evening and up in the morning, without hurting himself or their home or possessions

They have a beautiful home and beautiful things

He doesn’t have the cognitive abilities he once had that would enable him to surely understand what should be just looked at and what can be handled

I struggle with this trip in that I want to go……but is it the best thing for Matt, for Matts sister and brother in law?

There are some intervening things, like a possible memorial in Marin for a very close friend of theirs that could well happen during that period that would put a crimp on our ability to stay with them, to execute this trip as planned

I might have to just use miles and go to Montana by air and not car if they come into town for the memorial

All this to say that the days of Matt, my get up and lets go Matt, are different now

The sleeping a lot continues, every day, not just days after he’s had activity

All days, regardless of activity, are days he finds respite in one of several beds in this house

Dressing is now something that is confusing

He often isn’t clear where to put his shorts, or isn’t clear that one t-shirt is enough

Or, for that matter, which side of the shirt should be worn on the outside and which is the front

Me, I find respite during those times on my floaty in the pool……taking a peak at my cameras from time to time to make sure he is safe, not into something he shouldn’t be

Dinner parties, events, outdoor music festivals, trips to the lake…..these unfortunately feel very much like things of the past

This is only a recent reality that I am beginning to embrace, get my head around

I fear, at least until the heat dies down, even going to some of our favorite haunts locally: VJB, Lou’s Luncheonette, Hop Monk…..those trips will be few and far between going forward

Our days, his days, need to be close to his safe zone, his beds

His life is affected, so is mine, so are the lives of the family that participates in this journey with us

Its not as convenient for them for us to come to them……maybe its now, maybe its very soon, for their sake as well as Matt’s, the only option may become coming to us

In that thought I appreciate the fact we have been given the opportunity to stay longer in this great farmhouse with its great features

Funky for sure, but it seems to work for us during this part of the journey

That said, I may need to start thinning out things that we have around the house so that if there is anything I don’t want broken or misplaced, it it tucked away, out of sight

Another task to put on the to do list

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