This decision around moving Matt to a memory care community is extremely overwhelming at times

Last week I thought I had cleared up the ranking….had a top choice for good solid reasons

I visited 2 more places yesterday, both in Marin

Before I locked us into a decision, I wanted to quell my curiosity, check the boxes for having looked deeply at any options in his home county, the turf of his youth, the place of his roots

One is on Sir Francis Drake, right in the area that Matt grew up, lived for so many years

It’s an older place, not fancy, family owned, feeling almost like “old school Marin”—simple, clean, lots of windows, lots of light

It’s just down the way from a friend he has had for years, a hop skip from Larkspur where cousins live, not too far from friends, other family

The community doesn’t have nearly the attractive features that some of the other ones have

I do know 2 spouses who were very happy with their experience for their husband….one was there during Covid hell….one is there now

But then I ask myself who those features that I am seemingly prioritizing are really pleasing? Are they pleasing me—will they be of less value to Matt?

How do I really know what he might want?

I guess I am questioning my gut right now, my logic

God knows I can’t ask him anymore…..the likelihood of a coherent answer is small, diminishing every day

I also visited The Vincent, a new community in San Rafael

It was beautiful, they had a large private room available

The outdoor space wasn’t as large as the other places, not as easy to access, but there is an outdoor space that is contained in the memory unit

There is plenty of hallway walking space, not a square, but more of a big “U” shape

The one feature that was unique was a large movie theatre on the bottom floor

Big recliner chairs, a movie each day played at 2 and 6 pm

Big huge screen—it’s not something he could just go do, someone would have to escort him down there, stay with him, watch the movie with him

Both of these places had excursions, trips off the property

Some times it’s a scenic bus ride, sometimes a trip into SF

One of them just went to the SF Botanical gardens earlier that day

Thats kinda cool—I spoke with a resident who had gone on the trip

He reminded me a bit of Walter

But I have to ask myself, would Matt actually engage, participate in something like this?

Next Tuesday will be a big step, we are going to take him to the Memory Care Community in Petaluma for an assessment

Not only will that organization get a read on him, we will get a read on how he reacts to a place of this nature, which may be the most valuable thing of all

Corny and I have both had gentle conversations with him over the last month or so, testing to see if we can get a read on how much he might push back, or not, to living in a memory care setting

Both of us came away with hope, hope his very strong delusions when this journey began of “being taken away” have faded

Yesterday evening as I left the second tour, I felt a real and present weight on my shoulders, pushing down, slumping me over

I was grateful to have plans to see my friends in San Rafael for cocktails

As I sat in their backyard sipping on a gin & tonic, chatting with them, I was overwhelmed with how wonderful it felt to be in the heart of Marin again, even for this brief moment

It’s hard to describe, this Marin vibe thing I felt, but it too was overwhelming in the most wonderful way

There is just something super special about Marin, about the people who we have known for decades, who we love, who call Marin home

It makes me wonder if Matt would feel the same way

Would it ground him like it did me just being in Marin? Does that make the features of the properties I am looking at less important? How does the Marin factor play into this?

Or, since he will be mostly in the confines of the building, the memory care facility, would it really permeate, really be worth the trade offs?

I am also in touch with how tired I am, both physically and emotionally

I will have no choice but to push through this phase, this moment, these decisions

I like the runway I have staying in the Farmhouse if we were to move him to memory care in the next month or so

I see me finding a moment of peace here, a moment of rest, building fires in the fire place on cold winter days, processing my loss, yet another element of loss along the journey

But then, at some point, I will need to dig deep, find the strength to relocate Sheba and me as we can’t live here forever

To think of all happening all at o once just isn’t possible, rather it seems crushingly overwhelming

Step by step, including rest steps in the mix I guess is the only way through this life moment

I am grateful we are on a proactive search….not a reactive one, one driven by a slippery slope moment

I think I will dwell right now on things that I am grateful for….they say that is the best cure for stress…..