Juno is Barbara’s pup, she is almost the exact same age as Sheba and she is a black lab just like our Sheba
Barb, Terri and I are going to tour 2 memory care communities today
Juno is coming too, cousin duty
If a community doesn’t accommodate Sheba, it’s not going to work for Matt and I
So Juno has a very important role today as she tours with us
She is standing in for Sheba, testing the communities’ dog friendliness, a very important role
I do believe Matt got dehydrated over the weekend
I also do believe he was dealing with a level of overwhelm too, from schedule changes, me not being his constant, large gatherings
All this, I believe, contributed to him being difficult to manage, live alongside Sunday
Over the course of Monday, Nora worked to get electrolytes in him, hydrate him….after which he seemed to begin to rebound
We had a quiet day Tuesday, stayed out of the rising heat
Tuesday evening he asked me if I would marry him again, it was articulated as clear as a bell!
I said “yes, of course” and gave him a big smooch on the cheek
I asked him if he would marry me again, he said “yes” in the most enthusiastic expression of anything he has said in weeks
That was a very nice affirmation, a great respite from Lewy
It was like Uncle Lewy took a walk around the block in that moment, left us alone
On Sunday I was feeling drawn towards making the move to memory care, wondering if I had waited too late because he was fairly difficult to deal with
Not in a fighting way, just unable to settle down, getting into things he shouldn’t, making messes, unable to get a verbal message out that I could understand, being “a handful” as my Nana used to say about her great grand kids, and honestly, about me……at times
Now I see it’s not too late, his behavior has moderated a bit, back closer to the normal I had become used to
There are moments that this decision to move or not move him to a memory care community overwhelms me
It makes me dizzy knowing I am making a decision for him, one that he is likely not capable of making on his own, a serious life altering decision for him
Never in my life have I had someone else’s life so squarely in my hands, so clearly my responsibility
He can be lead…..made part of the process….but that doesn’t change what I feel is the severity of the decision on the table
Today I bring my village into the game…touring 2 local places that have risen to the top of my list
No place is perfect, no place will be perfect
Typically,I guess, someone in my shoes would have a home they would be stable in, a sanctuary, an anchor
It’s either a harder or easier part of our situation for sure
We likely have till March here in the farmhouse, then Sheba and I have a big move ahead of us in the spring
So making one decision is the first of several dominos that will fall
Now, in this moment, the weight of this particular decision for Matt weighs heavily on me
I have had it hit me viserally in the middle of a paddle practice, suck the air out of my lungs as I walked from one end of the parking lot to the other…..a private moment in the midst of my Ohana family……and at the turning basin, when we take a quick break from paddling…..the dark cloud pushes on my shoulders, causes me to hang my head…..a sense of overwhelm, a sense of intensity that is hard to explain
I want the clouds to part, a voice from above to say “this is the place, this is the right time, everything will be perfect”
That’s what I want…….pretty sure it ain’t gonna happen!
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