In this journey I have encountered guilt more than I ever have

They say its natural, it comes with the territory, and that helps knowing its an understood side effect

Let me get specific: my paddling group shared this super cool event that is happening on the Napa River this Saturday (today actually…the day I post this)

There is a community of homes that have docks and it seems some kind of marina association

Saturday they are inviting folks to “float up” on SUPS, kayaks, whatever you want, to come listen to bands, three different bands at 3 different yards/docks

Think of it as floating into someone’s back yard that is sponsoring a yard band, I think this will be something like that

I’ve never been before but it sounded soooo up my alley

I thought about taking Matt, but there are so many reasons it just isn’t a good idea, the least of which is what if he tips over his kayak? Will he be able to get out of it, right it?

Then there is heat concerns, stamina…..and what about me? Will I be able to enjoy the event if I am constantly worried about his comfort and safety?

I was so hoping to go…..but I can’t go with Matt, I can’t put him in that situation

So I inquired yesterday with Hired Hands if they possibly had anyone that would be willing to take an 8-5 saturday shift

As it turned out, Nora, our most consistent and main caregiver was available

So there, in that moment, comes the guilt

Is it ok for me to make this executive decision, to bring Nora on so I can do this crazy event that I am interested in?

You may be reading this and say its not rational, to be guilty about arranging safety and comfort for Matt so I can go off and do something I want to do

And I’d agree with you…..but the reality is guilt finds it way into my mind

So I just have to wrestle with the guilt for a bit, acknowledge it, then give myself permission to put it aside

I justified this by virtue of the fact we have only had 2 caregiver days this week, due to the Memorial Day holiday, so scheduling a Saturday shift should be “no big thing” since we typically have 3 caregiving days

Saturday not only am I going to pull out my paddle board (which has been in its cover all summer unfortunately) but also my paddle team is having a practice in the morning so I get to hop in an outrigger for a post season paddle

It will be a Kai Wahine day for me (sea woman in Hawaiian)…..I am so excited!

Is it fair, is it right, that in some ways I feel I am becoming more alive while he is literally going in the opposite direction?

I am finding things, many things, that give me joy, inject happiness, adventure, into my days

While he is more and more housebound, more and more bed drawn

Could it be I am carrying the “living of life” for the both of us…..or is that just a selfish justification to do what I want to do?

If he were well……and it’s been long enough now that I have to stretch to remember his days of true independence, there were days we’d go off in different directions, do different things

We’d come back later in the day and compare notes, share our experiences

So I guess I should ask: what makes now different? Shouldn’t we still get separate time? Albeit looks a lot different for him than before

I am going to go have fun today..…

And maybe still feel a wee bit guilty…….

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