This is a hard time of life

Doubly hard as similar issues are being faced in my moms household

I came back very very stressed out from my trip….my hope was that going to VA would have been a great chance to be with my mom, to relax, de-stress

There were some moments of that

Unfortunately there is a huge amount of denial in the realities of what her friend is facing

He is a classic case of denial in the face of both a cognitive impairment diagnosis, significant hearing loss and general aging decline

I have no place in my heart for him, no place, sorry

There is no room on this bosom for another head…..especially his rock hard one

His denial, his dependence on her puts her life, her happiness at risk

He is intensely selfish, obtuse, dependent on my mom

Her choices too are not easy, she is aging, she is living with things being harder now than they were before

No doubt if he were to move to where he should go, a community that is supportive of his future decline, it would mean mom would have serious adjustments in her life to manage

I do worry about that too……that said, my brother, her friends son and I are in clear agreement, as is mom, that she is not the one who should become his caregiver

The sooner everyone can get a grip on the best solution to avoid that the better, the absolute better, the easier

My focus is on her, my focus is on Matt, my family, my beloved friends

You’d think he’d understand I flew all that way to spend quality of time with her, but no, he is so utterly dependent on her he hardly left her side the whole trip

Worse, and what inflamed me more than anything, she enables him to drive; more specifically she enabled him to drive with me as a passenger

I let her know how utterly uncomfortable I was, but respected her decision at that moment…however never never again

While the ride was short, he did drive into an on coming traffic lane during the short trip

The only positive thing from that car trip was I got to witness how bad of a driver he really is—it’s not just an assumption, it was an experienced based fact finding moment

God forbid he causes harm to mom in an accident…..there will not be a kind bone in my body towards him because of his choice to deny the realities he is living with

I know it’s hard, but in today’s day and age, there are ways to leave the driving to others—Uber, Lyft, to name 2 very very clear and abundant options

I finally asked her to send him back to his own house for my last day, even then, he didn’t bother to do that till 10:30 am or so the day I was leaving

I burned with furry inside, burned, bit my tongue to the point I spit a single word to him “bye”

Do I need to see a therapist about this, probably

This anger that boiled up inside is not me…..

Clearly, it is not my responsibility to carry all burdens I see

And I am clear, his problems are of my concern only when they put my mom at risk…..and they interfere with my limited time with her

There are hard choices for her, his son and him, if he chooses to step away from his denial, ahead

I pray they face them with clarity, not heads in the sand

There is only so much I can do here, certainly the most meaningful is having conversations with my mom to support her as she thinks this through

I know, unfortunately, how hard this moment is when you want to see only the things that work…..you don’t want to face the realities other people say are on the road ahead

If you can’t see them, how can it be true

Well, it’s true…..he will not get better, he will depend on her more, he will become an even worse driver, he may become aggressive, he may physically hurt her because his brain is failing slowly, small bit by small bit

These are things you can see until it too late, so they must be anticipated, otherwise bad things happen

It’s not a matter of if anymore….its all a matter of when