Matt’s world doesn’t make sense to him anymore

Its not the world he used to live in, things are so much more confusing, harder by far to navigate

He used to be an active guy, hiking on Mt Tam 4, 6 miles a day, everyday

That is no exaggeration

Now, he can hardly complete a 2 mile hike around a lake that is fairly flat once in a blue moon

Going out to do this or that used to be no big thing

Today, we went out about 3:30 to go pick up some pizza for a pool party with the family

He fainted twice before we left the property; pizza run was aborted

Albeit it was hot, the heat I think really affected him more so than it did me for sure

I am at a loss at times, just don’t know what to do

I was tremendously grateful for Nelia, Mike, Terri, Rich and the kids for coming over got a pizza pool party

I know he loves being with family, I know that means the world to him

But his world doesn’t make sense to him anymore, as my brother said, he is lost in his own head

Tonight I slipped him a half of an anti anxiety pill the doc gave us because he was pacing, redecorating the house, into stuff he really shouldn’t have been getting into

These are so hard to watch, so hard to bear

While the anti anxiety med calmed him down, his back was arched forward more, I could see him trying to struggle through the haze

Which is better, which is worse?

All I know is his world just doesn’t make sense to him anymore

I asked him after everyone left if he pooped in his pants, he said no

But I knew I smelled something

So I put my hand on the outside of his boxers, yeah, there was something there, he definitely pooped in his pants

But he fought me on that, struggled with me as I directed him to the bathroom, to change his boxers

This isn’t his life, this isn’t the life he wants, this isn’t fair

I was hoping that after a week or so after the trip he might rebound, but the last few days he’s actually gotten worse

Tomorrow I have help for most of the day

After today, after all that we’ve been through today, I will be grateful for the break because he’s all mine all weekend after that

These are the times the amazing memories we have made in our years together really come in to help

I want to think on them, the amazing memories, and not on my current, our current, reality

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