*****sadness warning issued on this post*******

I am sadly realizing, digesting, the mindset change I need to make

It seems to me in this moment it is so key to getting to a better place for both of us

This won’t be easy for me to write, it won’t be easy for some to read

But I see no way around having to do the hard work to embrace it

Ignoring, failing to acknowledge, will only prolong the issues we struggle with now

These issues affect both of us

Here is the truth: the hard bit:

The Matt I married is gone, he is no longer here with me—there, I said it out loud

I need to fully mourn that loss, celebrate the life we had, appreciate it for its depth, beauty, meaningfulness

Like if he were to have suddenly actually passed away, I need to do this alone, by myself, in my own way

I can not embrace the man I live with now, his uniqueness, his different needs, unless I say goodbye to the old Matt

If I don’t say goodbye, then I will forever expect him to still be here

I won’t be able to see what his abilities are now…..because of the expectation of the abilities he used to have

The new Matt has different needs, enjoys different things

This Matt communicates in a new, different way

I need to learn these new ways, these new needs

I need to understand, consider, that I may not be the right person to deliver all that he needs

I need to observe, learn, experiment, adjust

Only after mourning this loss will I have room for my new Matt

This is hard to say, expect it will be hard to do

I see no other choice….