identity

I’ve always held certain concepts of myself in my mind

Things like that. Things built on accomplishments.

While I readily and willingly accepted the role of being Matt’s wife

That didn’t define me

Being a wife, his wife, was never about accomplishing anything

It was a joining of journeys, a joining of lives

2 relatively independent lives, connected by choice

We have spend days and days together, 24/7

We have been lucky that way, we can do that

We still do that

Now my role is not only as wife, but also as caregiver

There are no bright lines here that define for me when I am wife and when I am caregiver

When did I become a caregiver too?

I suppose it might have been the moment I picked up activities that he used to do himself

There wasn’t a switch that turned on caregiving me

It came in fits and starts

Like medicine management: when he got his prescriptions after the diagnosis, I assumed he was taking them, following doctors orders

I’d ask “did you take your morning candies?”

(He likes to call it candy vs meds, or pills)

He always said yes

Then one day, I decided to count the number of pills left in a 30 day supply

I remember feeling so guilty about that, I was doubting him, sneaking behind his back

Then it was clear, he wasn’t taking his meds as prescribed, there were way too many left in the container

I have never been a pill person

Actually don’t like those orange bottles

So taking on the role of med czar was strange, really strange

On the one hand, it was clearly necessary, Matt wasn’t staying on track

On the other hand, I was taking away his independence

Independence is something we both have always valued

No, caregiving doesn’t define me

Caregiving is something I do for the man I love, whenever it needs to be one