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I was so angry last night Palpably angry I couldn’t figure out why I journaled and journaled Specifying exactly what odd things Matt was doing didn’t seem to scratch the itch In the stillness of morning, maybe I have come to an understanding I may be mad for more than one reason My mad may… Read more

I am so angry I can’t explain why I can’t control this situation His agitation Getting locked out of the house, constantly, by him I don’t know how long I can take this He wanders today, constantly There is no real, meaningful communication He just mumbles I put my ear right up to his mouth… Read more

Sometimes it feels like I am walking on a tight rope Sometimes I can maintain balance, keep moving forward, slowly, step by step Other times I feel like I am being pushed to my absolute limits and I am going to fall, never to recover Being at risk of falling is enough to drive me… Read more

With Alzheimer’s, the person is often described as being both “here and gone” That makes sense to me, thinking about my experience with Walter Walter definitely went into his own world But then he’d pop out and have a moment of clarity This thing with Matt is different, in a profound way I am reading… Read more

I’ve always held certain concepts of myself in my mind Things like that. Things built on accomplishments. While I readily and willingly accepted the role of being Matt’s wife That didn’t define me Being a wife, his wife, was never about accomplishing anything It was a joining of journeys, a joining of lives 2 relatively… Read more

We have a gate now where we live It completes the fenced in yard that keeps Sheba safe Sheba can go out, do her businsess, manage the squirrels, paw around like a free mut Each time we come and go by car, we have to open the gate, and close it behind us Matt does… Read more

John Legend sings: ’Cause all of me Loves all of you All your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I’ll give my all to you You are my end and my beginning Even when I lose, I am winning ’Cause I give you all of me And… Read more

I learned to tread water young In college, I learned to tread water “egg beater” style, it was a game changer Plus, for reasons I won’t elaborate on, I have natural buoyancy So for me, treading water doesn’t bring up fear or anything negative It’s more of a holding the line kind of thing Staying… Read more

We need to sell the Virginia house This is the season, holding on to it through the winter adds a complexity to life we just don’t need or want The house has been so good for us Protected us during Covid with its generous yard Cradled Granny at night during her many visits Allowed us… Read more

Mary and I try to talk every weekend Since 2021, its 2025 now It doesn’t always work out We are in different time zones now We used to be in the same time zone Then she moved to England So we were 5 hours apart I moved to California So we are now 8 hours… Read more

His eyes are glassy now A soft cashew color He looks at me intently, over the dinner table Slightly hooded The hooded look used to be the prelude, warning sign of a bad coming Something I did that upset him Something I didn’t do that upset him An inbound Uncle Lewy gut punch He looks… Read more

I so wish I could put on a virtual reality helmet to experience what Matt feels, sees, thinks, but mostly feels If I understood his reality, it might help me manage my emotions better This is very much a soft tissue injury, no X-ray can see it Nothing yet really explains it, fully There is… Read more

There is this saying, story, about a frog that gets in a pot of cool water The water heats up slowly The frog realizes it’s boiling, she is boiling….it happened so slowly she didn’t realize it I changed the he to a she….I can relate Days come and go, things happen We don’t live a… Read more

I want to go paddle with a local outrigger group. They launch 5:30 pm a couple weekdays. I paddled in VA, it made me feel alive! I so want to do it here. I found a group. But I can’t leave him at night, alone. Its the worst time for him to be alone. I… Read more

The world goes round and round Some of us are suffering Some of us are healthy No one needs to be brought down by our suffering, with our story It’s mostly sadness and loss, mixed with a few rays of sunshine Sunshine in the form of you Small joys come now and again, I try… Read more

Breakfast is our time to talk Family business Decisions that need making Schedule for the day, week Anything of importance we talk about over breakfast This seems to be his clearest time The morning after, I apologized to Matt for getting mad at him Hope had risen in my heart we could go back to… Read more

Yesterday was so wonderful I had my Matt back for the day Holding hands over dinner, talking, ohhhhh such a salve for my wounded heart It didn’t last ling Today he refused to take his meds Now we are back in our old, sad pattern It’s late afternoon He mumbles something incoherent to me I… Read more

The doctor gives it a name, they tell you Lewy Body Dementia is the diagnosis They give you pills with a long name and send you home He uses some big fancy medical words that can’t land in your brain while your head is spinning They say “come back in 6 months”. They don’t even… Read more

We are learning new limits This afternoon we hiked a well worn trail that we have hiked a dozen times before Matt’s boxing class was at 12:30, I swam a mile in a nearby pool That is a new usual for us, finally hitting on something that is good for him, good for me, but… Read more

I was working upstairs in my office My internet stopped working Everything is now in the cloud because we moved, it was the easiest way Matt & I are taking today to rest There have been 2 days where he may have over exerted Matt’s back is hurting, probably from all the moving we did… Read more