Accountability is important in any relationship, IMHO

When you dial it in, it can be a beautiful thing, a thing easily taken for granted

Add Uncle Lewy into the equation and it gets confusing

Our situation, our marriage, has always been the merger of 2 independent people

So in the early years we had to figure out who did what

Generally speaking, Matt emptied trash cans, repaired things, insisted he, not me, do his laundry, was fully in charge of the dog, these are things to come immediately to mind

Lately, I have been breaking our relationship rules, breaking established boundaries

Each time I take a step like that, I am knowingly (or unknowingly) experiencing loss, memorializing in our routine, a new loss

Take the dog management piece, specifically feeding the dog

In the last few months I have seen him prepare the dog bowl, leave it on the counter where the dog can’t reach (thank God!–on the dog can’t reach the counter bit)

I ask “have you fed the dog?” Yes, he says

I notice a bowl of dog food still sitting on the counter

I then take the now super soggy dog food down for her, she eats, she doesn’t care if its soggy, just that its late

I have found dishwasher detergent in the dog water bowl

I have found a pot lid over her water bowl

One time, I found him putting the bulk food container down for her to eat from (well, he has done that quite a few times)

Other times he added water to the bulk food, putting it back in storage, only to go horrifically moldy, so moldy, I found it because I was smelling mold in the kitchen at large and sniffed it down

Each instance, stand alone, might not be enough to rip away the chore

Each instance I said something about it, well many times, yet the one consistent thing is, he no longer accepts accountability for what he did

Writing me makes me remember the times he took accountability

Not always immediately, but before, in the good ole days, he’d come around, after cooling off and say the words “I am sorry I…”

Gone are those days, boy, this makes me realize how very long this journey has already been, so long the memories of the good ole days are faded

Suffice it to say, I have battled through the days of him saying “I will feed the dog” and “why don’t you let me feed the dog” and “I have fed the dog for years I know what I am doing”

Maybe enough days have gone by now with me feeding the dog he has forgotten

Another “do not cross this line” bondry was laundry

He told me early on, in absolutely NO uncertain terms that I was NOT to do his laundry

Fine with me, I am no ones hand maiden (I thought timely)

Noticing the ice cream drippings from 2 nights before on his chosen shirt of the day

Noticing, better yet, choosing not to ignore, the pants, socks, shirts, underwear flowing out of his hamper, scattered everywhere over the closet floor, bedroom, sometimes hallway and bathroom

I scooped it all up in a fit of rage and marched the whole mess of it to the laundry room

“I frigg’n live here too you slob!” I mutter to myself

Is he going to get raging mad because I crossed that very clear relationship boundry?

Was he going to notice and be appreciative everything was clean, folded, organized in his closet?

Boy, that would be nice to have a non-forced appreciation!

Days went by…..no comment

Good thing was he didn’t get mad, so that’s a blessing worth recognizing, acknowledging

“Did you notice?” “Yes.” That was about it.

Do I guess I have crossed that line, moved into new territory, into the territory of a hand maiden…..

Its like an incomplete sentence that is never completed….it just hangs there….it just is

So when the dog is fed, I feed her now

When laundry needs to be done, his or mine, I do it

This wasn’t determined like before by mutual agreement, discussion, give and take

This happened because he stopped evidencing the ability to do it, safely, or at all

For the dog, drinking water with dishwasher detergent in it is outright dangerous, toxic, both a canine health concern as well as a financial risk not worth taking

Eating molded dog food is hands down unhealthy, not having water in her bowl could lead to dehydration

Matt says I over react, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Continue to live your moments in your day hovering over him, annoying the shit out of him as you closely supervised what he did?

(BTW, he hates being closely supervised, even now)

Risk the dog get sick or be poisoned?

Or take over the task, quietly, getting to it before he does, letting him know the dog has already been fed (2 or 3 times, as many times as it takes to sink in)

There are no bright lines in this journey

There are very very rarely any “thank you’s” from him or the dog

There are never any more “yeah, I screwed that up” or “geeze thanks, I have your back next time”

Uncle Lewy is, if I haven’t said it before, an asshole who takes no accountability for what he has done to my Matt.